Dilemma

For ages I have been struggling with the question of - how do I get myself out of bed in the morning (without forcing myself)? How can I get myself to wake - naturally - with a feeling of excitement and energy, ready to walk into the day. As if the day were something worth walking into.

This morning I realised the question was more acute than ever: what could compete with lying here in bed, my body completely relaxed, the pure physical enjoyment of rest, and the desire to continue it indefinitely? Is that laziness? Am I over-attached to the feeling? because right now I cannot think of anything - anything - that could compete with that feeling. Creativity, breakfast, high velocity sports. Possibly I would actually need some competing influence there to get me out of bed, right there in my house: the competitive energy of other people eating my breakfast; a beautiful woman; loud music - even then I'm not sure. I can't contrive that for myself

Maybe I am over-attached to the pleasure of sleep. Maybe I fear it being taken away, or that I haven't had enough. If that's true then there is perhaps one way out - to fully and lovingly relish the every sensation of sleeping in, so that I am completely satisfied. Is it possible? To become competely satisfied? Osho once said that if you do something with full consciousness, you can then leave it behind.

I think he was talking about sex. But is there any difference?

Despair! and optimism...

The tendency to despair - I am cold, and I have not managed to do the shopping I intended - i went on a useless diversion to Victoria, freezing the soles of my feet into solid blocks through my too thin shoes, and the shop I was looking for was closed. If only I had gone there yesterday when I felt I should have... If only... Still no shoes, and I perceive that I have missed my chance (the chance I had yesterday) to get the bargains at the sales... Iet myself down in some subtle but profound way, by taking the easy way out, and now...

I can feel the temptation to despair. It is just like the time when I was meditating and I kept getting impatient with the slow, arduous process of re-learning what I had already learnt, going back to ground zero, and every time my mind would rebel, preferring to sink into angry despair than to accept the long patient slog. For such a small thing - some mistake I made, some shopping I missed, some pair of shoes I feel hopeless for not having, I'm ready to allow despair, to say 'come on in'

but today I see this in time to stop it, or put my hand up and say, wait a minute. Let's talk through this one. A toughie - a day of Saturday shopping ahead of me, a little daunting, but a job to be done. This is optimism, surely. When the mind wants to despair and you decide to say, well - what if I get on with it and just get the job done? What I pretend there is no choice, because there really isn't? It reminds me of the sign I saw posted up on that toilet in the desert in California: "Forgiveness: giving up all hope of a better past"

What makes us despair? What things trigger this feeling? day to day; what makes us slouch, reach for the remote control, grab the chocolate bar...give up? That's what I'm interested in. Today anyway.. I'm sitting in Pret a MAnger in Victoria, waiting for a journalist from Scotland to call me up about my book, he's from the Big Issue. I feel in tune with that

When I write this kind of stuff I can hear the pained, martyrish tone in my head, it's amazing!